i need to return some videotapes

And the doubts start creeping in.

I think I’m too romantic to be a good muslim.

I can’t stop myself from worrying that I threw away my best chance of being happy to try and find someone more ‘supportive’. I feel stupid that I didn’t realise how much I was already supported, or that feelings, situations, people can change, and just because it didn’t work right now, doesn’t mean to say that it couldn’t work in the future.

Was I wrong to give up, and to look for something more? I joined a site in the hope of connecting with somebody else on a more spiritual level. I’ve had a lot of response from men just straight out asking me to marry them, but it all seems far too much like some kind of business arrangement, not based on actual feelings of love or affection towards each other. Am I asking too much to want to be in love with the man I’m going to marry? I don’t want to believe that’s not possible anymore.

I feel like I’m committing some kind of sin already, that I’m somehow doubting the plan Allah has for me. It isn’t like that. I’m just scared. I know this was all worth it, I just want the right person to share it all with, the one who can teach me things, and be there beside me the whole way.

I need some time to catch up with my sisters, a month is far too long!

My New Year started on 18th December 2012

Well I have been a little MIA on the writing front of late, but I have good reason.

It’s now been 20 days, almost to the minute, since I converted to Islam.

And not a lot has changed. Not that I was expecting it to, since I had already been making gradual changes before actually taking my shahada, but everybody asks me “what changes do you have to make to be Muslim? Is it hard?”

Honestly? It’s probably the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

Here are just a few of the questions I’ve been asked:

“Won’t you miss bacon sandwiches though?” I don’t eat meat. Never have, never will. If I’d ever had a bacon sandwich, I’m still pretty sure it is something I could give up, however given that I never have done, no, I will not miss bacon sandwiches.

“You’re not going to stop drinking though are you?” I don’t drink alcohol. Hands up to this one, I used to be a bit of a binge drinker. I’ve fallen asleep in bars, woken up under parked cars, injured myself falling down stairs, but it was never really something I actually enjoyed. My friends did it so I did it, otherwise I was the sober, boring one on the outside looking in. Now I realise I don’t need to do things that I don’t enjoy doing, and there are much better ways to spend my time than with my head resting on a toilet seat.

“So can you not have sex now until you get married?” Well… I could. I’m not going to be struck down by lightning if I do. But no, I don’t want to. I want to wait until I know I’m with the person that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, and that’s not likely to be the first guy I stumble into in the 3am queue at the takeaway on a Friday night. I guess in the culture nowadays, drinking and sex go hand in hand, but I’m not even going to go into all the dangers and downsides of that, I’ll just say that it does not interest me.

“Are you going to wear one of them scarf things now?” No I am not. I’m not just going to change every single thing overnight. I might choose to wear ‘one of them scarf things’ in the future, but for now, I feel more comfortable just dressing modestly and occasionally dragging a brush through my hair.

“So… are you a terrorist now?” Yes. Yes I am.

I do not like being ill

Looks like I’m going to have to stock up on those immune boosting vitamins, soft and chewy num num

Modify your approach please!

I know ultimately everything we’re learning is important, but honestly when she speaks I just hear “blah blah blah BLAHHH”. Most of my class are in their mid/late 40s (I’m one of the youngest, which is a strange feeling these days) and she has us designing posters to stick around the room that a) nobody else will ever see and b) don’t count at all towards any task we need to do. If that’s all we’re going to do for the lesson I’d rather just copy some notes out of a text book and go home early to watch Great British Bake Off. Fed up. On a positive note I really do love my TA placement. Kids are pretty funny. I’m excited to qualify now, only 8 months to go. Eek.